Weight Gain

I am gaining weight.

After going through body wasting a few years back, you would think I would be happy knowing that I am gaining weight. But, honestly, I am not happy at all.

I need to control my weight. My last cholesterol and triglyceride results show borderline values - side-effects of my ARVs.

Fat distribution is also a problem. I'm shaped like a pear standing on two sticks right now.

I really should take my Yoga for Life practice seriously. I already missed two weeks of yoga practice because of work. And speaking of work, it doesn't help that I have been rendering 4 - 5 hours of overtime each day for the past three to four weeks.

From Fab to Flat to Flab

Had fun boy-watching recently with friends (a curious group of straight girls, bi-female and gays).

More than the pretty faces, I was really struck by the uber-sexy bods of guys nowadays. I'm not just talking about the muscular, kargador-type guys we see on run-of-the-mill, friendly-neighbor gyms. There were the V-type swimmers with beautiful tans. The slim and lanky - and at times geeky in a cute kind of way - yuppies.

Of course, having a fetish for armpits, I couldn't resist taking every opportunity to get a glimpse of those parts. And I must say, I am happily surprised by what I "accidentally" see. I mean, are those done by professionals? Where do they get their pits trimmed?

But all this body-worshipping has led me to look back at my own body.

Before the virus, I had a fairly good form. I never went to the gym but I swam on weekends. I gloried in flaunting my body in skimpy trunks. I could pig out one day and lose the pounds the next - in time for a weekend all-nighter. Taking off my shirt was no problem. I had nothing to hide and everything to show.

All these changed when the virus struck.

First, it was body wasting. No matter how much I ate, I continually lost weight! I stopped swimming, thinking that I was over-doing it. I wasn't aware of my condition yet.

Then the rashes began to show. I was so affected that I consulted a dermatologist to find out what's wrong. Since both of us had no idea that I had the virus already at that time, the dermatologist concluded it was skin asthma (I wasn't surprised since our family does have a history of allergies). We had to give away our dogs because we thought they contributed to my condition.

I couldn't wear shorts and sleeveless shirts which I really loved wearing before - because they hang loose over my emaciated frame and because of the dark spots that appeared on my extremities.

Two years, 48 bottles of ARV and +250CD4 count later, the wasting has stopped and the spots have cleared out. However, a new concern has arisen - that of uneven fat distribution.

Who knows, I might just wake up one day and find out I have grown boobs!

Ambushed!

I received a text message from a friend and former officemate around noon middle of the week of the past week.

Friend was asking if we could meet up after work. The kaladkarin that I am, I easily said "yes".

However, since I had an earlier appointment that day after work, I told Friend that I would be available after 9pm.

My earlier appointment ended a bit late. So I immediately texted Friend and informed her that I was on my way to meet her.

We met at Megamall about 15 minutes after 9pm. Since Megamall was about to close, she asked if I wanted to go to McDonald's at El Pueblo and I said "sure".

On our way to El Pueblo, she dialled her phone and spoke to someone and said "parating na kami".

That should have been warning enough but I let it pass.

At McDo, we were joined by an acquiantance and another stranger.

While we were eating, Stranger and Acquiantance started talking about the supplements they are currently taking and asked me whether I was taking any.

I said was only taking ascorbic acid.

Stranger then began to retrieve from her bag some brochures about the supplements and proceeded to tell me about the "wonders" of these supplements. This went on for about an hour or so.

Somewhere in the middle of her spiel I felt saying something like "eh sa HIV meron ka bang cure?" just to stop her from droning. But I kept my mouth shut and my mind fluttering somewhere else.

When I couldn't take it anymore, I gave the universal sign for "time out" and told her that I was really tired and I had to excuse myself. I told Friend that I would text her and said goodbye.

I haven't texted Friend. I don't have any intention of doing so. It was rude that I was ambushed into listening to a total stranger tell stories about cures and healings of people she did not know personally but learned about in a seminar.

Had she told me about people who's CD4 count rose by 100 points after 6 months of ARV or of people whose viral load results show "undetectable" levels, I would have gladly listened to her for hours! Hell, I would be a happy person had she told me of people who feared they could have contracted HIV but tested negative!

Help Replenish the Global Fund

This is a blog entry from one of the pozzie bloggers that I am following. It provides a link for a sign-up petition sheet to encourage world leaders to continue their financial support for the Global Fund. Read it to find out more about what the petition is all about.

I have already signed-up and have asked my pozzie acquiantances to do the same.

Here is the link to the petition.

Quiet Space

Finally had the chance to attend my first Yoga for Life session last Wednesday evening.

After a stressful day at work, I was really looking forward to the yoga session that evening. I left the office at 6pm and took the company shuttle from Ayala to Ortigas. We got to Ortigas at quarter to seven, so I decided to drop by a 7-11 store near our Ortigas building. I was only supposed to buy an energy drink which I take when I feel dehydrated but I ended up buying a banana as well. I wasn't really hungry at that time but I thought, "laman tyan din hanggang makapag-dinner". And I was to take my meds at eight pm so I didn't want to take my ARV on an empty stomach.

So there I was walking on the street, bitting on a banana and thinking: "ano kaya nangyayari sa yoga class?" Yes, it was going to be my first yoga session in my entire life, and I was excited!

I got to the room just as the session was about to start so I had to change clothes as fast as I can. I took the farthest mat from the front and listened as the yogi and the yogini addressed the class and welcomed us first timers.

The whole session lasted for almost two hours (I think). I completely lost track of time (good thing, we ended on time, though as I had a "date" afterwards). It was good. For the first time in so many months, I actually felt good sweat (not sweat from heat) running down my body. I felt my entire body was happy. It was tired, yes, but happy nonetheless. I felt that my body had been calling out for this kind of activity for the longest time and it felt gooooooood to finally give in.

What was more important, though, was that I found my quiet place again in the midst of the session. I found a way back to my forest where I can meet once more my naiads and sprites. I found my way back to my well where I can get refreshment. I found my pool again where I can cleanse my spirit.

So, I thank the universe for leading me back. I thank the people who were instrumental to this homecoming. And I thank my myself for taking the most important first step to re-discovery.

I can still feel the tiny aches in some parts of my body as it becomes re-acquianted with itself. But it's all worth it. I will dip in the pool every chance I get. I will commune with life every opportunity I am handed.

I Love Life!

I am following this site called "The Art of Non-Conformity"and recently the writer (Chris Guillebeau) posted this article .

Since having been diagnosed in 2008, I have vowed to live my life to the fullest, knowing that at any moment my health can deteriorate.

However, the demands of work and the lure of a "happy" life with friends most of the time prevent me from keeping this vow.

Sure, I have my meds to keep me strong but for how long? And I have not been living as healthy as I need to be.

It's a good thing that I came across Chris' article.

OO nga naman, who ever came up with that old saying (i.e. if you love something/someone, set it/him/her free) is in love with being hurt.

And I agree with Chris... One has to make an effort to ensure that the thing most important to him/her thrives. It's a daily choice.

So, I re-affirm my vow which I first made when I tested positive: I will live! I will protect my life because I love life.