The Prodigal Ant is Back...

It has been more than a month since my last update - or at least a semblance of an update.

The ant has been busy - and uninspired (or just plain lazy) - for the past weeks. Besides that, nothing eventful really happened.

Well, I did have my birthday last month but even that was not so note-worthy. I started out planning to go out bowling with the family but last minute changes and a sick nephew prevented us from pushing through with it and my parents and I ended up eating out in a mall.

I haven't been going to yoga sessions for well over a month, I guess, and I am starting to feel the weight coming back and the lethargy setting in. I really, really need to get back to working out. Though I've really been taking it slow for quite some time now as I have been beginning to notice asthma attack precursors showing up - due mainly to weather changes and work-related stress.

Speaking of work, it hasn't been rosy at the work place either. I had to make major man-power decisions and is looking at making another this week. All these aside from the numerous reports, process monitoring, performance evaluation, training development & implementation and other non-work-essential-but-work-related projects.

On the flip side, though, I have gained some headway on my comic collection - what with the recent opening of a local online comic book store. Truly, a boon from the gods - and a bane to my savings account!

Which is actually why I am sitting on the fence with regards to moving on and quitting my job at this point. No job at this time means no extra money for X-Men, Ultimates, Justice League and Birds of Prey. Sigh - the things one has to consider to make life more interesting.

And in a few more days, Christmas will be upon us - and the SMAP, or Samahang Malaming ang Pasko (which I am currently the Mother Superior of), will have its annual retreat. Oh, how I would love to not be a member of this group this year! Any takers?

So, I've pretty much covered updating the more important aspects of my life on this post.

Hopefully, something good and exciting is brewing up just around the corner for the next few days or weeks before we finally say goodbye to 2011 and say hello to 2012.

So, the Ant is back... for now...

Close to Normal

I hate crying in public - don't get me wrong, it has nothing to do with machismo or anything, but crying is so messy.

Anyway, that was not the point...

Was able to catch Atlantis Production's Next to Normal.

Powerful cast - Menchu Lauchengco-Yulo, Felix Rivera, Bea Garcia, Jett Pangan and Markki Stroem - who's voices and emotions came across clearly, gave me goose bumps.

The song that hit me most - and led to a tiny tsunami to gush forth from my eyes - was "Maybe". Some of the lines are as follows:

I don’t need a life that’s normal
That’s way too far away
But something next to normal
Would be okay
Yeah, something next to normal
That’s the thing I’d like to try
Close enough to normal
To get by

That's what I am living right now - something next to normal. Normal is too far away.

But next to normal is ok with me, close enough to normal to get by...

WTF?!

I was saddened to hear about the news of the Fil-Aussie artist who was held at the airport and reportedly "banned" from entering the country because of his HIV status.

Though I was in a hurry to get to work this morning and rushing through my breakfast, I had to stop and listen intently on what was being discussed on TV.

Dr. Belimac mentioned the word "ignorant" sometime during the discussion and I couldn't help but completely agree with him. Although his word was not directed to one person or institution - it was more of a general description about the level of awareness of laws covering PLWHA.

Still, I felt a small knot in my belly listening to the story.

We are not completely out of the dark yet.

Finding my Quiet Space

I was finally able to take a much needed vacation last week. We had a two-day off late last week because of the Chinese New Year and I took that chance to fulfill a long-time dream - that of visiting Ilocos, specifically Vigan in Ilocos Sur and Pagudpud in Ilocos Norte.

After more than 10 hours of travel by bus and another 30 minutes of travel by trike to the resort, I was greeted by the cold salty wind coming from the sea. Tired from the travel, I fought the temptation to hit the beach that early (I checked in at around 9am) and tried to get some sleep.

By lunch time, my inner mermaid got the better of me and I decided to check out the water. It was soooo cold! Imagine, I was on the beach from 12 noon to around 3 in the afternoon, with my jacket on! I couldn't even dip my feet in the water.


The wind was strong and waves after waves washed ashore - crest after crest of long waves, frothing and foaming.


I decided to walk along the beach because I saw that the area had a very long coastline.

At one portion of the coastline, I found this quiet little piece of the sea, protected from the waves by the rocks and corals.


Within this quiet area were pools filled with algae, small fish darting through holes in the rocks, white ghost crabs, tiny starfishes and every little creature taking advantage of the lull in the turbulent sea.


I envied these creatures. They have found their quiet space where they can rest, regain their strength and face the troubled lives they were meant to live in the open seas with renewed spirits.


Although I came out of that vacation equipped with the knowledge that the new year was going to be a good one, I still would want to have a constant place to crawl into where I can lick my wounds, heal and come out stronger and wiser.

January is Almost Over

Ang bilis - isang buwan na ang lumipas sa 2011!

And February is just around the corner.

Really excited about February, though. Ang daming naka-plano:

- a well-deserved back-packing 4-day vacation alone way up north
- another musical to look forward to watching
- re-visiting an annual festival somewhere in Central Luzon with friends
- possibly a trip abroad for training



It's going to be a crazy month, definitely, with Valentine's day fast approaching (segue lang).


A friend of mine in FB said sana yung February 14 na lang ang wala sa kalendaro kapag hindi leap year, para every four years na lang sine-celebrate ang Valentine's day.


With a full admission of my bitterness, nag-like ako sa post nya!

World's AIDS Day - the Yoga For Life Way

December 2008. It was the first World's AIDS Day that I attended. And I swore that it was going to be my last...

Fast forward November 2010. The day before December 1 (Tuesday), I texted our yogi and asked whether it was OK for me to do yoga practice the day before my CD4 extraction. He said it was.

I was actually trying to make an excuse not to attend another World AIDS Day event.

On December 1, I was called to an emergency meeting scheduled for 6PM. Normally, I would have made a fuss about the timing but I accepted the meeting invite without second thoughts.

I was actually trying to make an excuse not to attend another World AIDS Day event.

Later that day, the meeting was re-scheduled for 4:30PM and finished a few minutes past 6PM. I left the office quarter past 6. I was expecting to reach Ortigas from Ayala way past 7pm as usually happens.

I was actually trying to make an excuse not to attend another World AIDS Day event.

Lo and behold! No traffic along EDSA! And I made it to Ortigas quarter before 7!

I could not make any more excuse to attend another World AIDS Day event!

And I am glad that all my excuses came to naught.

Filipinos have a saying: "wag kang magsalita ng tapos". And this was proven on the second World AIDS Day that I attended.

I was more than happy that I came. Aside from actually disclosing my "kapusitan", the Yoga for Life activity for WAD gave me a more positive (no pun intended) experience of this event.

One of the things that stuck with me about that evening were the words: "times are changing". And indeed they are.

Gone are the days when WAD is about death and suffering.

What struck me most was that during that WAD celebration, we were actually doing that - CELEBRATING!

Celebrating our own lives - whether positive or negative. Celebrating the lives of those who have gone on ahead of us by living our lives as healthy as they wished they could have had they been given the same chance that we PLWHA are being given now.

I do not regret disclosing my HIV status during that YFL session. It was a step for me in finally accepting my status not just in my mind and heart but in my words as well.

Times are changing indeed.

Got to Get Away!

This week has not been fun at all!

Annual appraisals are due soon and I haven't even started doing my team's individual appraisals.

I need to complete a presentation for a meeting late next week but I don't even have the necessary data and I only have two days next week to be at the office.

My team members are acting juvenile and I don't have the time to sit down with them and discuss their issues.

I am due for a CD4 extraction a few weeks from now but I have been stressed and lacking in sleep in the past weeks that I am afraid my CD4 might have gone down a bit.

I need a rest. No, I need a vacation!

Birthday!

Today is my 35th birthday. It has been two years since I was diagnosed with HIV.

I do not know which one I should really be celebrating, my natal day or the day I found out I was HIV positive. I want to celebrate the day I got my confirmatory test because that is the day that I made the decision to live - I mean really live!

But that will be for another time.

For now, I will celebrate this day.

Shucks, crush!

At my age, medyo nakakahiya pero aaminin ko - may bago akong crush :)

Hindi ko alam kung ilang taon na sya pero one thing is for sure, di ako pwedeng akusahan ng pagiging pedophile!

Once a week ko syang nakikita, for four weeks na. Each time, pasimple lang ako. Nakakahiya kaya!

Pero last week, breakthrough! Nakaupo sya sa may dadaanan ko palabas ng venue, at pagdaan ko sa may harapan nya, nakita kong nakangiti sya sa akin. Gusto kong tumigil, parang naririnig ko si Jose Marie Chan na kumakanta ng "can we stop and talk a while". Pero ngumiti lang din ako sa kanya (shucks, di ko man lang na-practice kung pano sya ngingitian) at dali-daling lumabas papuntang elevator.

Sana next week, magkausap na rin kami.

Note about the photo. I took this photo during the Rennaissance Festival in Houston almost three years ago. I had this super crush on the bag-piper - so much so that I bought their bag-pipe series CD so I could be reminded of him whenever I listen to the music. Crazy? Yes. Worth it? Not really sure. Would I do the same crazy stuff with regards to my new crush? Hmmm...

From Fab to Flat to Flab

Had fun boy-watching recently with friends (a curious group of straight girls, bi-female and gays).

More than the pretty faces, I was really struck by the uber-sexy bods of guys nowadays. I'm not just talking about the muscular, kargador-type guys we see on run-of-the-mill, friendly-neighbor gyms. There were the V-type swimmers with beautiful tans. The slim and lanky - and at times geeky in a cute kind of way - yuppies.

Of course, having a fetish for armpits, I couldn't resist taking every opportunity to get a glimpse of those parts. And I must say, I am happily surprised by what I "accidentally" see. I mean, are those done by professionals? Where do they get their pits trimmed?

But all this body-worshipping has led me to look back at my own body.

Before the virus, I had a fairly good form. I never went to the gym but I swam on weekends. I gloried in flaunting my body in skimpy trunks. I could pig out one day and lose the pounds the next - in time for a weekend all-nighter. Taking off my shirt was no problem. I had nothing to hide and everything to show.

All these changed when the virus struck.

First, it was body wasting. No matter how much I ate, I continually lost weight! I stopped swimming, thinking that I was over-doing it. I wasn't aware of my condition yet.

Then the rashes began to show. I was so affected that I consulted a dermatologist to find out what's wrong. Since both of us had no idea that I had the virus already at that time, the dermatologist concluded it was skin asthma (I wasn't surprised since our family does have a history of allergies). We had to give away our dogs because we thought they contributed to my condition.

I couldn't wear shorts and sleeveless shirts which I really loved wearing before - because they hang loose over my emaciated frame and because of the dark spots that appeared on my extremities.

Two years, 48 bottles of ARV and +250CD4 count later, the wasting has stopped and the spots have cleared out. However, a new concern has arisen - that of uneven fat distribution.

Who knows, I might just wake up one day and find out I have grown boobs!

Potential

I was browsing through Chris Guillebeau's site again and came across another piece of gem.

In this article, he writes about potential - how a lot of people have it - and why only a few of these people actually make it big time. Chris' article focuses on these successful people's tenacity - the will to carry on and persevere despite all odds.

As an engineer, whenever I hear the word "potential", the mental picture that I have is that of a roller coaster at the very top of the crest, when all "kinetic" energy has been "used up" to drive the cart to the top and the cart will thus have "maximum potential".

However, unless the cart go down the rails, its energy will remain "potential". It can never be transformed to "kinetic" energy - imagine what those thrill-riders would feel if they would be left on the top of the rail!

As a supervisor in-charge of developing my direct reports, I have made it a point to identify potentials - technical capabilities, leadership abilities, time-management skills, etc. However, turning these potentials into productive projects and processes can be overwhelming and daunting.

Since I have already made up my mind to leave the company I am currently working for, I have taken myself to task to ensure that I develop leaders from my team in the event that I decide to call it quits (or my body asks for time-off).

I have also been looking at my own potentials vis-a-vis my condition as a person living with the virus. I have been considering what I really want to do with my life and what limits I have to set to ensure that I do not tax my body unnecessarily.

Simultaneous with my efforts to build a strong pool of potential replacements at work, I have been taking entrepreneurship classes whenever I can and exercising my mind to come up with viable business plans.

At this point, these are all plans and proposals, but hey, as Chris Guillebeau once said, two-steps forward, one-step back will eventually take me to the finish line.

Ambushed!

I received a text message from a friend and former officemate around noon middle of the week of the past week.

Friend was asking if we could meet up after work. The kaladkarin that I am, I easily said "yes".

However, since I had an earlier appointment that day after work, I told Friend that I would be available after 9pm.

My earlier appointment ended a bit late. So I immediately texted Friend and informed her that I was on my way to meet her.

We met at Megamall about 15 minutes after 9pm. Since Megamall was about to close, she asked if I wanted to go to McDonald's at El Pueblo and I said "sure".

On our way to El Pueblo, she dialled her phone and spoke to someone and said "parating na kami".

That should have been warning enough but I let it pass.

At McDo, we were joined by an acquiantance and another stranger.

While we were eating, Stranger and Acquiantance started talking about the supplements they are currently taking and asked me whether I was taking any.

I said was only taking ascorbic acid.

Stranger then began to retrieve from her bag some brochures about the supplements and proceeded to tell me about the "wonders" of these supplements. This went on for about an hour or so.

Somewhere in the middle of her spiel I felt saying something like "eh sa HIV meron ka bang cure?" just to stop her from droning. But I kept my mouth shut and my mind fluttering somewhere else.

When I couldn't take it anymore, I gave the universal sign for "time out" and told her that I was really tired and I had to excuse myself. I told Friend that I would text her and said goodbye.

I haven't texted Friend. I don't have any intention of doing so. It was rude that I was ambushed into listening to a total stranger tell stories about cures and healings of people she did not know personally but learned about in a seminar.

Had she told me about people who's CD4 count rose by 100 points after 6 months of ARV or of people whose viral load results show "undetectable" levels, I would have gladly listened to her for hours! Hell, I would be a happy person had she told me of people who feared they could have contracted HIV but tested negative!

Why Resident Evil: Afterlife Reminded Me of My Hollywood Crush

Went to see Resident Evil: Afterlife today with two of my friends.


The lazy movie-goer that I am, I did not bother to find out who played who so I got surprised when I saw Wentworth Miller (of Prison Break fame) playing Chris Redfield.

I never really cared much about Prison Break. And it is still a puzzle to me why people are so hung up with Went Miller. Yeah, he's cute and all but he's just not my type.



Photocredit from Just Jared

There was this rumor, though, that he's gay and that he has dated Luke MacFarlane (of Brothers & Sisters).

Now Luke , on the otherhand, is one of my Hollywood crushes. I mean,  I have only seen him on Brothers & Sisters but he is one of the reasons why I am following that series. He is so adorable and sexy and so "wifey". I love how he's so laidback and so caring and so clingy.

If the rumors about Went and Luke were true - oh how I wish I were Went!