No to Stigma

Please read the story on the link below

http://bepositive-ph.tumblr.com/post/6552688352/stories-of-stigma-keith

WTF?!

I was saddened to hear about the news of the Fil-Aussie artist who was held at the airport and reportedly "banned" from entering the country because of his HIV status.

Though I was in a hurry to get to work this morning and rushing through my breakfast, I had to stop and listen intently on what was being discussed on TV.

Dr. Belimac mentioned the word "ignorant" sometime during the discussion and I couldn't help but completely agree with him. Although his word was not directed to one person or institution - it was more of a general description about the level of awareness of laws covering PLWHA.

Still, I felt a small knot in my belly listening to the story.

We are not completely out of the dark yet.

Crossing the Bridge

I thought it was going to be difficult - telling my bestfriend about my HIV status. I did it this morning, at Banchetto, over bottled water, with the smell of pork barbecue wafting through the air.


Nobody knows about my HIV status other than my immediate family and my company's HR Director. I never felt the need to disclose to any of my friends or co-workers. I am living a productive, contented life. I have my family for emotional support and my ARV meds and treatment hub doctors for medical support.


So why tell my bestfriend?


I honestly do not know the answer.


We have been friends since we were little girls (hehehe) - classmates from grade school through high school. He went green in college. I went maroon. We saw little of each other during college and kept in touch occasionally (this was way back when cellphones were non-existent - for the common tao, at least).

A few years after graduation, he left for Singapore. I'd see him when I go to SG or whenever he comes back home for a vacation.


When we do see each other, we'd be spending hours together laughing about remembered shared funny moments in our lives, talking about non-essential stuff we've been through the times we were not together and dropping little tidbits of personal matters here and there.

He came back earlier this year to pursue his passion for culinary arts. He is taking a one year certification course in, well, cooking something and baking something.

I knew right away that I had to tell him.


That opportunity came this morning.


And it was easy.


People were all around us so I had to use my phone and wrote "I am HIV+" and showed him.


He hugged me - two straight acting gay guys hugging in public - I wish I could have seen us!


We talked about it more in the next hour or so.


I don't intend to tell any of my other friends about my status. I don't need to.


I have my bestfriend by my side.



And he is enough.

Got to Get Away!

This week has not been fun at all!

Annual appraisals are due soon and I haven't even started doing my team's individual appraisals.

I need to complete a presentation for a meeting late next week but I don't even have the necessary data and I only have two days next week to be at the office.

My team members are acting juvenile and I don't have the time to sit down with them and discuss their issues.

I am due for a CD4 extraction a few weeks from now but I have been stressed and lacking in sleep in the past weeks that I am afraid my CD4 might have gone down a bit.

I need a rest. No, I need a vacation!

Confronting My Own Damaso




Photocredit from gmanews.tv

 

Last week, words like "RH Bill", Damaso, ex-communication and Carlos Celdran were thrown around in newspapers, newscast and blogs.

I am not going to make a commentary on the RH Bill here. Neither am I going to defend nor condemn Celdran's actions.

What I want to talk about is fear, my fears - past and present.

It took me a long time to finally come out of my shell and embrace my true nature because I was afraid of what my family, friends and colleagues will say if they find about my preferences.

It was fear that led me to dark bath houses and bars for anonymous sex and eyeballs for no-strings-attached one-night-stands with strangers. I was afraid of commitments. I was afraid of being dumped and left alone.

It was fear that prevented me from getting tested for HIV even when I knew I was at high risk of contracting the disease. I was afraid of what I might do (or not do) should I test positive. I was afraid of the stigma.

It was fear of dying with an unknown disease which rendered me incapacitated for months that finally led me to give a consent to the HIV test suggested by my doctor.

And it was also fear that forced me to tell my parents about my sexuality and the possibility of me having HIV - I was afraid that if they found out they'd cast me out and I'd be left alone, dying on my own. Some would say it was courage. But I knew better. I wanted to know whether they'd accept me if they knew who and what I really was. My plan was if they didn't accept me, I'd leave and go to an out-of-the-way place, curl up and wait for death to come and take me.

But in hindsight, I would have been in a better situation had I learned to walk in fear, not out of fear. It would have made me more careful. I could have found the right person. I would not have the virus now.

And yet, all these are "would haves" and "could haves".

Now I face new fears. Will I allow myself again to be led in fear, or will I stand and stare Fear in the face and say "Bring it on!"

Carlos Celdran had it right. Stand up despite of fear. Speak up inspite of the threat of being left all alone in the world.

For if I don't stand up and speak for myself, no one else will. And I will truly be alone.